Observations

What am I observing during this re-wiring process…

My brain behaves like an Australian Shepard. Without a job to do, a list to make, or a task to complete it gets antsy and starts herding things. Worries mostly. “What if you died tomorrow?” “What is that chicken was spoiled and you fed it everyone?” “What if you get locked in a bathroom and can’t get out?” “What if your neighbor gets mad because you cut part of their lawn?” “What if you pee your pants? In front of everyone?”

Relaxing is hard.

Panic Attacks are like a ninja or a drive by shooting. No warning. No reason. Just BAM!

Anxiety is like your car’s check engine light. Totally useless. It only lights up when your gas cap it’s tight enough or you lost a floor mat. When you blow a head gasket the light doesn’t come on – the engine just blows up.

Meditation is hard.

Facing my fears doesn’t mean they go away. It means now I will forever get anxiety about getting anxious before that thing because the first time I did it I was having a panic attack but did it anyway. So my brain will record this and when I do it again my brain will not play the end of the video where I succeed. Just the first 30 seconds where I am freaking out.

Bravery is hard.

Reliving trauma to overcome it is not for the weak. Because you will have to relive it over and over again. This is not a sprint it’s a marathon. Get a good pair of shoes.

The experts are correct. You can not love someone and hate yourself. You can not care for other and not care for yourself. Loving yourself first is non-negotiable.

Celebrating small success is hard.

Worrying is useless, guilt is ridiculous, and what you think you will believe and YOU WILL BECOME.

Positivity is hard….but SO worth it!

So fight for it my Anxietyoholics. Fight for every single moment of freedom, happiness, and JOY. Celebrate the good moments, hours, days, weeks. Look for the good and the positive in yourself, in the world, all around. Laugh out loud. Smile often. Compliment others. Then do the same for yourself.

Rewiring is hard….but one thing we know for sure- We can do hard things!

Hypnosis does not mean sleep…

No matter what my Greek husband says!

I know I said I would try to keep up with the progress of this journey to the journey….I should have re-read that more. The first month, the meditation, the journal, the focus on turning up the positive was working pretty well. I mixed it up a little and did an all night Affirmation. Today I went to hypnosis SO ready for some relief because the last week or so has been rough but the last three days have been ridiculous.

After making all kinds of jokes about it my family asked how hypnosis went. My husband just kept asking how I slept. I could not convince him I did not sleep – because hypnosis comes from the Greek word Hypnos which mean sleep. Ugh. Overall it went well, I fully understand why you need two sessions. (I may need 6)

Something interesting that came up in this session. After I explained that I have been working extra hard to make some real change and mentioned that I started with meditation then tried all might affirmations. I felt like I two 4 steps back. He said, it’s interesting you say that, more studies are showing that affirmations only work so long. There is a point that the repetition of that actually causes the brain to shut it out or even push back. Our damn adaptive brain. Please no haters – I’m not dissing affirmations. Just don’t paly then for 8 hours while you sleep.

Where am I right now? In bed! I’m exhausted. I need a good nights sleep. I’m working really really hard ya’ll! And I do feel like for the first time in 50 years I am making progress. I will try to post some links before I fall asleep…but if you are struggling right now – know that I am sending you all the positive vibes in the world! I know the struggle. It’s real. And this I know – You Rock! You have worked harder than 99% of all people to get through the minute, the hour, the day. I am SO PROUD of you. Hang in there – you are not Alone. I swear. We are in this together. Love to you Anxietyoholic.

You can’t get it, till you get it….

It’s been very hard to pick up this pen, so to speak. We have officially booked out tickets to go overseas and see my husbands family. Flying is a trigger. The panic attacks started in April, we booked the tickets last week. We don’t fly till June. I say this for reference…..three months worth of waking up in panic, working all day in panic, going to bed in panic. Sighhhhhhhh

What’s going to be different this time?

Me. Cause me is all I got. And, because I am tired of this defining me. From what I’ve read, researched, and understand – my brain is wired for this – and I can rewire it. After several calls to Electricians who were very confused I started a new routine. Fight panic with positivity. Fight future freak out with positive present-ness.

I don’t want a Band-Aid, I want a permanent change. Re-wiring. My brain goes to panic because those are the circuits that were hard wired when I was young. It’s time to get rid of the knob and tube and Upgrade! And that is up to me. My nightly journal, I’m back to making sure that I write 5 things that I am grateful for today and the people who need a prayer. When I’m ready to sleep I turn on a nightly meditation of healing and affirmation. Most important, when my monkey brain tries to go to the airport and board the plane and then have a panic attack that would bring down every TSA agent there … I stop. I smile, think of my kids, breathe deep, and remind myself that I have made this trip 10 times.

Here’s hoping Anxietyoholic friends, that this is exactly what I’ve been reading, researching, and learning about for years. Rewiring those circuits. No more heading to Panic Town it’s time to head to Positiveville. I’ll keep you updated.

Yes and …

Recently my son’s high school had a Summit Day – student lead, driven, and organized. Some of the students taught passion classes and others took them. My son had friends that lead classes like Futsal 101 and O-Line for Anyone. He quickly figured out they were not taking attendance so after two classes indoors he spent the rest of the beautiful spring day outside on the football field taking his friends sports classes.

One of the classes he took inside the building before bolting was Improv. I know that I was more excited about it than he was but only because 1. I was a dance/musical/theater geek 2. There is a ton of research about the benefits Improv has on managing anxiety, adversity, and uncertainty.

If you don’t know about Improv here are some links Play Your Way Sane – Psychology Today to articles and websites. Mental Health Benefits of Improv

Robin Williams, one of the greatest improvisational comedians of the 20th Century is said to have suffered with depression. In fact many comedians report anxiety, depression, or major trauma in their life. But what makes these folks turn ‘that frown upside down’? Laughter. Making people laugh, making them feel good, and maybe forgetting their troubles for a little while. I don’t need a lot of research to see a pattern here.

There is a Documentary on Comedy Central called Call Your Mother. I really appreciated how open and honest all the comedians were about their parents, their past, and their struggles. Not just the struggle to make it as a comedian, but to make it at all. (SPOILER – there is a lot of strong language if you are not a fan skip this one) Does struggle make them funny? Or when faced with the choice to say, “Yes and” or “Woo is me”, they choose YES AND!

There is one more reason I made the anxiety to improv leap. Years ago I read a book about managing anxiety and in it the author suggested that when you get the What if’s – play along! Even better, one up ‘um. What if my heart beats out of my chest? Yes and What if it flies across the table and takes out my teachers eye! What if my legs turn to Jello? Yes and What if it’s Cherry, everyone’s favorite, and they are all fighting over it and you don’t even get any!

You get the idea – be as ridiculous as the thought Anxiety is planting in your head. Play along only better. It was the only tool that I had for a while and it was very effective. It got me through some crazy stuff – the funeral of a beloved grandparent after which I got on an airplane by myself! Two of the most terrifying things you could ask me to do. It’s not a cure all – but it can be fun. So try it!! Yes, and……

Untitled: a discussion of depression

As I write this I have no idea what the title will be…it may go up untitled. After you all read this you may understand why.

Not all of social media is a good thing, especially for Anxietyoholics. There are some, however, that may bring some good nuggets to us. Since Anxietyoholics have to put up with all of Anxiety’s relatives – particularly Depression – and I know that is where I am right now I thought it’s worth talking about. The one place that doesn’t feel quite as toxic as some places for me is Pinterest. And I want to share some of the nuggets I’ve found there helped me re-frame depression.

Signs of a High Functioning Depression

Do you feel any of these are true for you?

1. Difficulty feeling joy

2. Relentless criticality of self and others

3. Constant self-doubt

4. Diminished energy

5. Irritability or excessive anger

6. Small things feel like huge things

7. Feelings of guilt & worry over the past and the future

8. General sadness

9. Seeking Perfection

10. Inability to rest and slow down

** Relying more and more on your coping strategies

Depression is NOT in the head

Very often Depression is described as or thought of as “just sadness”. Depression is far from just sadness and causes many physical manifestations.

1. Being so drained of energy that taking a shower seems taxing.

2. Inability to concentrate

3. Isolating yourself

4. Reliving old trauma’s over and over

5. Feeling disconnected to children, spouse, loved ones.

**Insomnia, rapid weight loss/gain, physical sickness

Pushing through Anxiety or Depression causes numbness. Not physical numbness, but emotional numbness. It is a place where you stop feeling anything because even getting happy could tilt the scale and tilting the scale will blow it all up. And in order to push through, keep going, Fake it till we Make it – we can’t blow up the scale. So we get numb.

Recognizing the numbness is the first step. For me, the next step is the hardest. Moving out of the numbness – bringing it into the light – saying it out loud to my loved ones. I am not sure that saying it is quite as hard for me as hearing it is to my people. They are not sure what they are suppose to do with that information. How do they add help to that situation?? I am in a place where I am trying to put THAT into words. How would I add help in this situation?

Let me know what you think – here is what I have started as my HELP list for my spouse:

1. If I go more than a day without talking to you-draw me in. Ask me what I’m reading right now, remind me about a funny time in our past, invite me out to dinner.
2. Cue up a funny movie.
3. Make me a cup of tea, get a blanket, and just sit next to me on the couch.
4. Let’s go for a walk/hike or just get me out in the sun.
5. Rub my feet or scratch my back.
6. Don’t let me finish every sentence with “I’m fine.” Ask me for three more adjectives.
7. Do an art activity with me (even though you dislike it) watching YOU sweat makes me giggle.

Sit down and answer that question for yourself – How would you add Help to your situation? If you like post your list!

https://thedepressionproject.com/

People vs Anxiety

Do you have certain people in your life that create anxiety before they even arrive? Just knowing that they are coming or that they will be there ramps up your anxiety level to DeathCon 5?

Anxiety, doesn’t just pop in for a quick visit. When anxiety drops in, like our vacation this summer, I know that it will be around for a while. Even if it starts with a Panic Attack – there are the after attacks. Like an Earthquake, it’s all the little aftershocks in the next few weeks that freak you out the most. OMG! It’s the BIG one??

Anxiety is a result of all kinds of unbalance: physical, hormonal, emotional, and spiritual. Isn’t that the key to life? Keeping it all in balance. It’s just so freaking HARD. There are times when all the deep breathes, yoga, meditation, journaling, sleep, and whole foods are not enough. Because life is complicated, and hard, and unbalanced.

I’ve recently been introduced to a term called an Omnivert. A very interesting term that describes an individual who swings aggressively from Extrovert to Introvert depending on the trigger. Kind of describes Anxiety Disorder, A?

Have you ever been at a party or in a situation and everything’s fine one minute then all of a sudden Anxiety pops in the event, sidles up next to you, and all of a sudden you are racing to the bathroom. Your palms are sweaty, your heart is racing, and your thinking, “NO!NO!NO! What, what what?” You splash cold water on your face, grab the sink, steady yourself, and then decide to go back out. But the person emerging from the bathroom is not the same person who entered. This person is hesitant to jump back into a group conversation or any conversation. This person grabs cold water to sip and possibly a plate of food to look occupied as they park themselves in a corner.

If I am being honest I was more than a little offended when I heard the definition of Omnivert only because I figured that’s what everyone has been saying behind my back for years. Maybe rightfully so. I guess my biggest beef with it is that, I didn’t choose this. I was born this way. And I don’t even know what will trigger it. I mean I know what most of my anxiety triggers are, but Panic Attacks don’t play by the rules.

If I haven’t recommended it before I will here – or again. Glennon Doyle has a podcast called We Can Do Hard Things. And most recently, the 2022 episodes, she is focused on Friendship. If you are not familiar with Glennon Doyle you can check her out but she is very open and honest about her anxiety, addictions, and all their relatives. About 12/13 minutes into the January 25, 2022 podcast they are discussing introverts vs extroverts sticking to just these two descriptions when they strike on something so profound, for me anyway. Glennon’s sister comments that interaction, like eating, is unique to each person and everyone needs different amounts. That our brain feeds off human interaction but that introverts get fuller, quicker. They need less “food.” Then there was some big science words like homeostatic set points blah blah blah and how when introverts are required to keep eating, they get resentful.

While that alone was a huge light bulb moment – it made me wonder – what other set points do I have? Is my brain pre-wired to misfire 30 minutes into any event due to system overload. And if it is a set-point – can I re-set it??

Ahhhhh, my scientific musings. I hope one of you can explain homeostatic! Enjoy the podcast… http://wecandohardthingspodcast.com/

a journey

I was beyond stressed in my last post. That’s probably pretty obvious. My best friend from college went into the hospital for the second time in 5 years for a major facial surgery related to mouth cancer. This second surgery was much more invasive and extensive than the first. The cancer came back in her jawbone and muscle on the same side as the last time. We are blessed to live in a city whos has a University teaching Hospital and Level 1 Trauma center.

My friend went into the hospital on January 13th for the 10 hour surgery. Five days later she appeared to be doing very well and her surgical team started preparation for her to go home. That’s when it all went wrong quickly and they rushed her back into the OR. If she had not been at the hospital at that time she may not be alive right now.

On January 23rd they did the whole surgery over again. She is currently still in the ICU and healing from having surgery. If all goes well – fingers crossed, toes crossed, arms crossed, legs crossed, you get it! – she will get to go home on Monday, Janyuary 31st. 20 days in ICU.

My friend has been a single mom for 20 years. These surgeries, like the first, require a tracheotomy and her first trach did not go well. She was terrified and asked me not to leave her alone in the hospital for one minute. Another friend from college and I have been taking turns and living at the hospital this entire time. I have been there twice now when she came out of surgery and I can see where it is terrifying to wake up from a surgery disoriented, in pain, and not breathing or swallowing normally.

Her surgical team this time around is absolutely the most caring group of Doctors I have ever met. They are not just amazing surgically but they are patient, kind, caring, and understanding. As she is waking up she is gagging and coughing which leads to panic and struggling for breathe. It is because of their calm and patience that I was able to see that she was not in danger. Because of that, I was able to shift gears and help her do what I do during a panic attack.

Bring the calm into focus, into the forefront of my awareness. To take control over what I thought was beyond my control. I held her hand, the only place that did not have a needle, tube, drain, or line in it and told her she was not alone. She was safe. She had the power to control this – she was in charge. First the gag reflex, then deeper breathes, then I asked her to go with me back to the beach in Hawaii. To feel the sun on her face and the sand between her toes, to hear the waves crashing, and to taste the pineapple.

When the coughing would start again I would remind her that she could stop the coughing, and that we were sitting on that beautiful beach in Hawaii. With each deep breathe in we were breathing in calm, peace, tranquility. With each breathe out we were sending away pain, stress, fear. I’m not going to lie – it felt a little hokey doing this with the surgeon standing next to me watching and listening. And knowing that Julie may not be fully conscious and even understanding or wanting me to do this.

But two days later when I got back for my turn at the hospital she was awake and writing her demands with great speed on her tablet. I was laughing and off handedly said “I’m not sure you need me anymore” Her eyes filled with tears and she quickly wrote on the tablet, “I DO need you! I don’t know what I would do without you. You got me through the toughest time. If you hadn’t held my hand, and helped me to breathe, and taken me back to the beach…I couldn’t do this without you.”

The tools that I use to keep my brain in check, my panic at bay, work! I’ve never had feedback from myself (well this kind). I mostly beat myself up when the tools don’t work immediately, or proactively. I just get mad for having the anxiety or panic at all, AGAIN. I never thought to pat myself on the back for handling it. But then I rarely get to help someone else through it. Thank goodness. I don’t wish any of this on anyone.

She is not out of the hospital yet, and once out she still has a long road to healing so that they can do radiation treatment. But seeing that some of my tricks and tools really work I now have a list of things to share when they are needed….because I think there is quite a journey ahead.

#$)&*^

There are a lot of words but none I should be typing right now…..

I was suppose to be at the hospital tonight with a friend. She has been in for 6 days already after major surgery and she was suppose to go home tomorrow. I was suppose to be there. I was staying away because I felt like crap and God Forbid I have “something” I didn’t want to get her sick on top of trying to recover from this monster surgery. And I am one of her few people. This is her second major monster surgery. This is the second time that when she needed “her person” (ME!) I wasn’t there.

I have felt like snail scum under a pile of dog poop in a garbage heap before….and this is worse. She asked me. She trusted me. And I failed twice. She was scared and didn’t want to be alone. That’s all. If anyone at all in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD should get that – IT’S ME. And I screwed up. Regardless of whether she blames, forgives, etc etc etc I can’t. I can’t forgive myself for not getting the hell out of my own shit for 5 minutes!

Because this truly isn’t about me! It’s about someone I love, who loved and trusted me and now has a permanent wound on their soul that might never have been if I had just been there at that moment to hold her hand, look into her eyes, and say “You are not alone!”

As a life long Anxietyoholic I know how incredibly important those people in that exact moment are….sigh. I’m sorry my friend, so very very sorry for the wound to your soul.

Resolution or Resolute?

Happy New Years fellow Anxietyoholic’s! Here’s to 2022 and YOU!

New Year’s eve brings refection whether you like it or not. Starting at about 3 pm every show on TV is a “Look Back” at the past year. Reflection can be good thing unless you are me. My Anxiety is married to Overthinking so that’s fun, for about a minute. Then it turns into a one woman show. This is your ridiculous life….

For most of my life the New Year was traumatic, depressing, totally overwhelming for me. So I decided to try to focus on what the rest of the world did – Resolutions. It seemed to be more hopeful about what was to come. This was good! I’d make a list, then promptly lose it. OK, I’d make a new list and a plan. Each year it was questionable how lone that would last. Then once again on New Year’s Eve Overthinking would arrive for the party with Anxiety and start with, “So how long did the Resolution’s last this year?” A-hole

But it’s 2022 – I will turn 50 years old this year. I’ve become wiser. First and Foremost Anxiety and Overthinking are not invited to the Party. Second, I look back at the year with my family playing the diner game -Pit and Peak. With all of us adding in events there are always some great memories I would have forgotten without their help. Third, we EAT! I make a big Greek meal and traditional Vasilopita. Lastly, I skim last years journal and start the new one with a list of Blessings I am grateful for and wishes I look forward to.

I feel like I have come a long way from Resolutions to Resolute. The motto I have never taken off our bulletin board since I found it when the kids were young – Courage is a muscle, Use it! I am stronger and braver than I have ever been. I know now without a doubt, vulnerability is not my weakness, it is my Super Power. Anxiety and all it’s relatives may be my family, but I know each one of them intimately. And I have all the tools I need to deal with them.

My wish for all Anxietyoholic’s in the New Year – that you define yourself not by who you think you should be, but by the beautiful soul that you are. Embrace your Super Power. Challenge yourself and use ALL your muscles. Here’s to 2022 – and YOU!

Holiday stress

Talk about ironic – I sat down to write this while the James Bond channel plays in the background. I’m laughing at the irony of talking about stress while watching THE MOST stressful movies of all times.

But apropos, Do your holiday’s feel like this to you?!

“So Bond, you did not acquire the Xbox series X. You will pay dearly for that mistake.”

Navigating the Holidays is like watching Bond make his way into the villain’s secret lair only to get caught but the henchman and brought directly to the villain to hear all about his nefarious plan while being tied up and left to die. But then Bond uses the latest super spy tool from Q to get out of the predicament only to find out the girl is in peril as well. So he goes back into the deathtrap with moments to spare and saves the girl.

Exactly, right! The family Christmas gathering is knowingly walking into the villain’s lair. Heck, we even bring presents for all and a covered dish to share. Halfway through the party as your in-law sidles up to sit next to you and start talking about everyone else including your spouse it hits you – The Nefarious Plan! Desperately you look for an escape. Diaper change? Wife is calling? Oil Change? Explosive diarrhea. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

After managing to escape your in-law you make the mistake of thinking you are home free. Then your spouse finds you and the strained look on their face means one of two things – 1. Someone is holding a gun to their back or 2. They did not escape The Sibling Rivalry. IT’S GO TIME! You grab the bag and sweep the room for the children all without being detected. Just as you are about to back out of the driveway the youngest child screams “MONKEY!” You want to scream back “NO we barely escaped with our lives!” But the look on the child’s face…Damn. No man left behind.

Summoning all the secret agent suave you can, you saunter back through the party with one airpod in.

“Do you have eyes on Monkey?”

“Not yet avoiding Drunk Uncle at 5 o’clock. Any idea where I should look?”

“Darling do you know where you left Monkey? MONKEY MONKEY MONNNNNNKEY! Negative informant is unclear of location.”

“Yes I had some of your delicious pretzel jello – the kids -they are here somewhere. I am headed to the bathroom. Excuse me. Headed to the Christmas tree first to look under there.”

“Affirmative. Darling if you want Daddy to bring Monkey you have to tell Mommy where he is? MONNNNNNKEY! The kids were playing dart tag just before we left.”

“Nothing on the first floor. I am headed to the basement.”

“NO! Do not go to the basement you don’t have back-up! You’ll never make it out alive.”

“I may lose you. If I am not out in 5 minutes just go. I love you.”

20 minutes later, another helping of pretzel jello glob and 5 more Buckeyes and you make it out to the car with Monkey.

Mission Accomplished. Good Work Bond. Until next year.