I was beyond stressed in my last post. That’s probably pretty obvious. My best friend from college went into the hospital for the second time in 5 years for a major facial surgery related to mouth cancer. This second surgery was much more invasive and extensive than the first. The cancer came back in her jawbone and muscle on the same side as the last time. We are blessed to live in a city whos has a University teaching Hospital and Level 1 Trauma center.
My friend went into the hospital on January 13th for the 10 hour surgery. Five days later she appeared to be doing very well and her surgical team started preparation for her to go home. That’s when it all went wrong quickly and they rushed her back into the OR. If she had not been at the hospital at that time she may not be alive right now.
On January 23rd they did the whole surgery over again. She is currently still in the ICU and healing from having surgery. If all goes well – fingers crossed, toes crossed, arms crossed, legs crossed, you get it! – she will get to go home on Monday, Janyuary 31st. 20 days in ICU.
My friend has been a single mom for 20 years. These surgeries, like the first, require a tracheotomy and her first trach did not go well. She was terrified and asked me not to leave her alone in the hospital for one minute. Another friend from college and I have been taking turns and living at the hospital this entire time. I have been there twice now when she came out of surgery and I can see where it is terrifying to wake up from a surgery disoriented, in pain, and not breathing or swallowing normally.
Her surgical team this time around is absolutely the most caring group of Doctors I have ever met. They are not just amazing surgically but they are patient, kind, caring, and understanding. As she is waking up she is gagging and coughing which leads to panic and struggling for breathe. It is because of their calm and patience that I was able to see that she was not in danger. Because of that, I was able to shift gears and help her do what I do during a panic attack.
Bring the calm into focus, into the forefront of my awareness. To take control over what I thought was beyond my control. I held her hand, the only place that did not have a needle, tube, drain, or line in it and told her she was not alone. She was safe. She had the power to control this – she was in charge. First the gag reflex, then deeper breathes, then I asked her to go with me back to the beach in Hawaii. To feel the sun on her face and the sand between her toes, to hear the waves crashing, and to taste the pineapple.
When the coughing would start again I would remind her that she could stop the coughing, and that we were sitting on that beautiful beach in Hawaii. With each deep breathe in we were breathing in calm, peace, tranquility. With each breathe out we were sending away pain, stress, fear. I’m not going to lie – it felt a little hokey doing this with the surgeon standing next to me watching and listening. And knowing that Julie may not be fully conscious and even understanding or wanting me to do this.
But two days later when I got back for my turn at the hospital she was awake and writing her demands with great speed on her tablet. I was laughing and off handedly said “I’m not sure you need me anymore” Her eyes filled with tears and she quickly wrote on the tablet, “I DO need you! I don’t know what I would do without you. You got me through the toughest time. If you hadn’t held my hand, and helped me to breathe, and taken me back to the beach…I couldn’t do this without you.”
The tools that I use to keep my brain in check, my panic at bay, work! I’ve never had feedback from myself (well this kind). I mostly beat myself up when the tools don’t work immediately, or proactively. I just get mad for having the anxiety or panic at all, AGAIN. I never thought to pat myself on the back for handling it. But then I rarely get to help someone else through it. Thank goodness. I don’t wish any of this on anyone.
She is not out of the hospital yet, and once out she still has a long road to healing so that they can do radiation treatment. But seeing that some of my tricks and tools really work I now have a list of things to share when they are needed….because I think there is quite a journey ahead.
anxietyoholic 