Observations

What am I observing during this re-wiring process…

My brain behaves like an Australian Shepard. Without a job to do, a list to make, or a task to complete it gets antsy and starts herding things. Worries mostly. “What if you died tomorrow?” “What is that chicken was spoiled and you fed it everyone?” “What if you get locked in a bathroom and can’t get out?” “What if your neighbor gets mad because you cut part of their lawn?” “What if you pee your pants? In front of everyone?”

Relaxing is hard.

Panic Attacks are like a ninja or a drive by shooting. No warning. No reason. Just BAM!

Anxiety is like your car’s check engine light. Totally useless. It only lights up when your gas cap it’s tight enough or you lost a floor mat. When you blow a head gasket the light doesn’t come on – the engine just blows up.

Meditation is hard.

Facing my fears doesn’t mean they go away. It means now I will forever get anxiety about getting anxious before that thing because the first time I did it I was having a panic attack but did it anyway. So my brain will record this and when I do it again my brain will not play the end of the video where I succeed. Just the first 30 seconds where I am freaking out.

Bravery is hard.

Reliving trauma to overcome it is not for the weak. Because you will have to relive it over and over again. This is not a sprint it’s a marathon. Get a good pair of shoes.

The experts are correct. You can not love someone and hate yourself. You can not care for other and not care for yourself. Loving yourself first is non-negotiable.

Celebrating small success is hard.

Worrying is useless, guilt is ridiculous, and what you think you will believe and YOU WILL BECOME.

Positivity is hard….but SO worth it!

So fight for it my Anxietyoholics. Fight for every single moment of freedom, happiness, and JOY. Celebrate the good moments, hours, days, weeks. Look for the good and the positive in yourself, in the world, all around. Laugh out loud. Smile often. Compliment others. Then do the same for yourself.

Rewiring is hard….but one thing we know for sure- We can do hard things!

a journey

I was beyond stressed in my last post. That’s probably pretty obvious. My best friend from college went into the hospital for the second time in 5 years for a major facial surgery related to mouth cancer. This second surgery was much more invasive and extensive than the first. The cancer came back in her jawbone and muscle on the same side as the last time. We are blessed to live in a city whos has a University teaching Hospital and Level 1 Trauma center.

My friend went into the hospital on January 13th for the 10 hour surgery. Five days later she appeared to be doing very well and her surgical team started preparation for her to go home. That’s when it all went wrong quickly and they rushed her back into the OR. If she had not been at the hospital at that time she may not be alive right now.

On January 23rd they did the whole surgery over again. She is currently still in the ICU and healing from having surgery. If all goes well – fingers crossed, toes crossed, arms crossed, legs crossed, you get it! – she will get to go home on Monday, Janyuary 31st. 20 days in ICU.

My friend has been a single mom for 20 years. These surgeries, like the first, require a tracheotomy and her first trach did not go well. She was terrified and asked me not to leave her alone in the hospital for one minute. Another friend from college and I have been taking turns and living at the hospital this entire time. I have been there twice now when she came out of surgery and I can see where it is terrifying to wake up from a surgery disoriented, in pain, and not breathing or swallowing normally.

Her surgical team this time around is absolutely the most caring group of Doctors I have ever met. They are not just amazing surgically but they are patient, kind, caring, and understanding. As she is waking up she is gagging and coughing which leads to panic and struggling for breathe. It is because of their calm and patience that I was able to see that she was not in danger. Because of that, I was able to shift gears and help her do what I do during a panic attack.

Bring the calm into focus, into the forefront of my awareness. To take control over what I thought was beyond my control. I held her hand, the only place that did not have a needle, tube, drain, or line in it and told her she was not alone. She was safe. She had the power to control this – she was in charge. First the gag reflex, then deeper breathes, then I asked her to go with me back to the beach in Hawaii. To feel the sun on her face and the sand between her toes, to hear the waves crashing, and to taste the pineapple.

When the coughing would start again I would remind her that she could stop the coughing, and that we were sitting on that beautiful beach in Hawaii. With each deep breathe in we were breathing in calm, peace, tranquility. With each breathe out we were sending away pain, stress, fear. I’m not going to lie – it felt a little hokey doing this with the surgeon standing next to me watching and listening. And knowing that Julie may not be fully conscious and even understanding or wanting me to do this.

But two days later when I got back for my turn at the hospital she was awake and writing her demands with great speed on her tablet. I was laughing and off handedly said “I’m not sure you need me anymore” Her eyes filled with tears and she quickly wrote on the tablet, “I DO need you! I don’t know what I would do without you. You got me through the toughest time. If you hadn’t held my hand, and helped me to breathe, and taken me back to the beach…I couldn’t do this without you.”

The tools that I use to keep my brain in check, my panic at bay, work! I’ve never had feedback from myself (well this kind). I mostly beat myself up when the tools don’t work immediately, or proactively. I just get mad for having the anxiety or panic at all, AGAIN. I never thought to pat myself on the back for handling it. But then I rarely get to help someone else through it. Thank goodness. I don’t wish any of this on anyone.

She is not out of the hospital yet, and once out she still has a long road to healing so that they can do radiation treatment. But seeing that some of my tricks and tools really work I now have a list of things to share when they are needed….because I think there is quite a journey ahead.

Unwanted Houseguest

It would seem that I have brought an unwanted houseguest home from vacation. Anxiety.

The thing is, I kinda knew this would happen. Anxiety is not the type of friend who just pops in for a quick Panic Attack and leaves. It’s not like a Martini. “Just one mate, then I really have to go.” Anxiety is generally the result of all kinds of unbalance: physical, hormonal, emotional, and spiritual. Anxiety had been trying to jump in my lap for a couple of weeks before vacation, but I was working really hard to keep everything in balance.

It’s so HARD! I can go along for such a long time and then that one thing – those certain triggers are like a the Anxiety Bat Signal. Holy Hells Angels Batman – Here comes Anxiety! And no matter how many times I read and remind myself to Be Kind when it happens, I always start with WTF is wrong with you!

So why would I expect my Boy Wonder to be any different? My oldest son who is getting ready to go off to college has played an instrument since 5th grade. WE talked about him auditioning for the Pep Band at the University since May. It’s now three days away and he has not prepared a song, recorded it, nothing, He told me today he doesn’t think he is good enough.

I didn’t say a word. I let him talk and vent and walk away. I sat on this for hours trying to figure out what to say. What did my 18 year old self need to hear before I auditioned? Putting your passion out there in the world knowing YOU are being judged.

I decided I wish my 18 year-old self had known about boundaries. If I had ever heard of boundaries maybe I would have had the sense not to let people walk all over me. Because I think when you know how to stand up for yourself – you stand up TO yourself. It’s hard to change that voice in your head calling you stupid, worthless, crazy, no good, dreamer and even harder when it’s your own.

He ate dinner in silence and left the dinner table early. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but I knew I couldn’t let him sit in his room and sulk while one more fabulous opportunity slipped away. So I marched up there and asked him if he thought I was worthless and stupid. He screwed up his face and said, “NO!” I explained that I have to fight with those thoughts almost everyday in certain situations. And that is literally what I do – I fight with that voice in my head. I know that I am not worthless or stupid and I would never let anyone call me that so WHY am I letting myself do it???!! Hell No! I put myself in my own place. And then I give the microphone to that other voice in my head. The one that is not as loud, but I hear it whisper, YOU ROCK! GO GETTUM’ ATTA GIRL!

I gave him a hug and told him he is more than worth fighting for and I hope he chooses to fight.

As much as it pains me to say it because I HATE fighting. I avoid conflict at all costs which is a separate therapy session. So when Anxiety gets the Bat Signal I have a tendency to cower in the corner. It’s not easy for me to fight for that space, to throw my weight around for myself. It’s one of those things I had to learn and I have to practice. My son will too. Silencing the critic and empowering the cheerleader isn’t easy, but it’s worth fighting for.

Anxiety takes a vacation – WITH ME!

Remember as a kid when going on vacation was all about the road trip snacks, fast food drive thru’s, and FUN! As an adult going on vacation is a little more stressful. All those family vacations, and I was one of 5 kids, someone had to think through the itinerary, plan the meals, book hotels, hire a dog sitter, pack up the car, drive 15 hours, etc, etc, etc.

Now, that someone is me. Just getting away for 5 days takes weeks of looking on the internet to find a place to stay that is affordable, close to the beach, and will suit everyone’s needs. Not to mention getting everything and everyone lined up at work so that I can be gone for 5 days, then making sure everyone and everything at home is lined up and ready for us to be gone for 5 days. It’s exhausting! and stressful…which is where Anxiety comes in.

Oh, Anxiety. So spontaneous. Anxiety saw the opportunity to jump in the car with us at the last minute. Then three hours into the drive popped out of the backseat and into my lap like a Shiatzu. “HI! Hi! Hi! you almost forgot me but I jumped in at the last minute. I’m HERE!!” Ugh.

I’ve learned so much about Anxiety over the years so I know that my impulse to through it out the window at 70 mph is not the right one. Anxiety is a tricky animal and it will morph into a Cheetah and sprint back to the car. Do it once it might say, “Ha Ha very funny.” But the second time it will get pissed and get revenge. Then it won’t sit on your lap it will perk on your back and hang on you screeching like a resus monkey. Trust me, I know.

When it popped up 3 hours into our trip I took a deep breathe and told my family that Anxiety was trying to come on vacation with us. My youngest son who was sitting next to me leaned over and gave me a hug, my oldest reached back from the front seat and squeezed my hand. Everyone knows that Anxiety can pop into my lap at anytime. They also have the confidence, which I was as sure, that I have the tools to handle it. All I need is a dash of love from them.

I said a prayer, took 4 deep breathes, and I did the Elizabeth Gilbert thing (Author of Big Magic) and I told Anxiety it was welcome along, but it would not sit on my lap. It could ride cargo at best, lucky I didn’t strap it to the roof in a beach chair like National Lampoons Vacation. And this seemed to work pretty well for the first few days. But three days of less than adequate sleep and less than adequate meals, meant that by Wednesday I was almost on Empty.

BAM. Anxiety saw it’s opportunity and jumped back in my lap! We had booked a 2.5 hours fishing trip in the Bay. The boat was full, the boys were excited, and I was white knuckling it all the way there in the car. For all the reasons I just mentioned, I was a lot less able to breathe, pray, meditate, and talk to Anxiety. I was literally ready to run off the boat when I said to myself. ENOUGH! You have flown half way around the world and you HATE flying! Get over this, it’s a 2.5 hour boat ride with your most loved people in the world.

The fishing trip was a blast. We all caught something, my youngest caught two horseshoe crabs locked into each other. (that’s all I’m saying) The next day we went to a Go Kart place. OMG! Who knew?? Anxiety of course came along making the first race a little cramped but I quickly tossed it’s butt out of the car – monkey or no monkey. That shit was FUN! I was sharing.

I am not saying it was easy. If you are reading this maybe you too are an anxietyoholic. Of a certain age, raised without diagnosis or help, and struggling to live. Period. Maybe you are the loved one of the person who is struggling. You see them fight for every inch of life they can get. Well, you are not alone. There is at least one more member of this club. Me.

What rules your life?

Spending more time with my parents helping to take care of them has made me reflect on how they took care of me. And that in turn helps me understand, maybe, why I am a certain way.

My parents are Baby Boomers. I was the middle child of 5. Right smack in the middle. I have an older brother and sister 2 years apart. and I have a younger brother and sister who were unexpected twins born on April Fools Day. Explains a lot right there, A?

Now it’s not fair to set all of this on my parents shoulders and having spent a lot of time with both sets of my grandparents as well I know that they took a lot of what they are from them…and so on and so on really. My dad’s family being German my mothers family Polish, perhaps Jew, escaped through Canada, and Scottish.

Knowing this doesn’t change the hurt or frustration when they behave a certain way. But to quote myself quoting Maya Angelou, when you know better!!! And even though being around the dinner table starts to feel like combination Rodney Dangerfield roast and the scene from A Christmas Story – “I knew a guy who shot his eye out”. They are my family. They are not just related, they are a part of me. Thousands of years of genetic code coursing through me with a strangle hold on the reins.

My maternal side of genetics there was definitely an escape from a fascists’ regime. While we do not know the whole story we do know that my grandfather spent time as a child in the UP of Michigan. Canadian border kind of UP – miles from anyone else kind of UP. Eventually ending up in Detroit as the city boomed with automobile manufacturing. My Paternal side seems to be all German. And growing up in a small town almost exclusively blonde haired and blue eyed we made fun of German traits. German’s aren’t just punctual, midnight mass starts at 10:30 because they’ve all been there for an hour already.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is not just the anxiety and proclivity for negativism that I inherited, but good stuff too. Grit, tenacity, hard worker, punctuality, kindness, and frugality among them. Yes I have to work hard to over come the tools they needed to get them out of other countries probably on foot and across an ocean. But thank goodness I have that hard worker in me – I just have to learn to turn that inward, not just outward. It’s easier to work for others than to work for ourselves.

I have thought about this a lot lately, mostly in relationship to my children. Because they have a direct connection to the immigrant story. Their dad survived and fled a war at 3 years old. He left his home at 16 and traveled to another country by himself where he didn’t know the language. Look where he is today!!! Harnessing all the power using all the things I thought were bad – as my Superpowers. That’s what I want to Rule My Life. Not Anxiety. Not Fear. not anymore

I should know better

One of my all time favorite quotes is from Maya Angelou, I paraphrase it so often I can not remember the whole quote, but the part I hold onto is – When you know better, Do better.

I should know better. My anxiety and all it’s relatives come from my relatives, my paternal grandmother, my father, to me, then my son. So why is it when those people get anxious I lose my sh!t?

My dad is going through a lot right now. He is almost 80 years old, his own health is not great and on top of it he is watching my mom deteriorate everyday. He is not equipped to handle this, so he drinks. Which does not help his health or his patience in dealing with mom’s dementia.

He asks for help, believe me he asks!! He never ever passes up an opportunity to get someone else to do something for him. Get the remote, hand me my shoes, can you pick up a newspaper while you are out. When he gets anxious the curse words fly, the insults hurdle, it all hits the fan. And yet each time it happens it’s like this odd out of body – I knew this was going to happen, but I can’t believe that this just happened.

I should know better! I should do better! Why is it hardest to help someone you love?

He said he can’t take care of the big house and all that lawn anymore but they are not ready to move. So I said let’s get someone to mow. Great idea. Until I find someone to mow and then he says, “They don’t know their ass from a bail of hay! I can do it myself.” But you said….sigh??

I should know better! I should do better! and yet every time I get sucked in and soon I’m fighting this psychotic battle in my head between the 12 year-old girl who wants to run and hide and the 50 year-old woman who wants to tell him to F#ck off. Now neither of us is coming from a good place. It’s like a cage match between anxiety and anger. Those two will fight to the death!

So this is what I am wrestling with at the moment…how to show up for those people I love who lash out not because they want to hurt me, but because they are hurting inside. I know better…I can do better.